Top Tips

If you’re in a top pop band who seem to annoy more than you garner appreciation, why not do like Ocean Colour Scene do and release singles with hysterically earnest lyrics and sentiments. ‘All those who’ve lost their hands and feet don’t wanna fight no more’ they tell us. Similarly, all those who’ve got ‘tired faces’ and who’re ‘never going home’. Oh, how our sobs turned to laughter in the face of such poetical majesty. Cheers guys… we giggled like loons on a baking Tuesday.

You would do well to avoid the 1½ hour poker specials on late-night Channel4. Aiee.

It’s a mogwai back-pack. It’s not real, it’s not a hot-water bottle, and it’s not stuffed. It’s not a Furby, an Ewok, Yoda, Mowgli, or ( chuffin’ ) Emu. And it’s definitely not a live cat. Honestly.

Oh, and if you see a person with a mogwai back-pack, do NOT remind them of The Rules. Chances are, the guardian of the back-pack is not only familiar with the Gremlins films, but has also already been reminded by several people on that day what exactly should NOT happen with careless water, bright-light and late-night snacks.

Do not give peanuts to squirrels. Peanuts are the raw source of "Peanut Oil," which is a powerful intoxicant to squirrels. Unless of course, you positively WANT to get squirrels drunk. But I think that’s probably where trouble starts…

If you are going to post candy floss about the country, do so in a box. Not a Jiffy Bag. That is, unless you’re after a sugar-board effect.

The lead singer of Placebo is not a girl. Similarly, Rachel Stamp is not actually in the band, Rachel Stamp.

If you have a cold ( >blocked nose ) do NOT eat a toffee, as you will find yourself unable to breathe.

Don’t mess with kippers.

If you’re going on an ‘adventure’, take a big jumper with you, if nothing else. It will prove to have multiple uses - most notably keeping you warm and doubling as a pillow.

If you’re going to sleep during lectures ( or the like ) tis best to have first cultivated a long fringe behind which you can hide.

( Brett Anderson must’ve got away with murder at school... )

If you’re bored, why not try pretending to be Abraham Lincoln? As demonstrated left, by the lovely Eleanor. ( N.B. This works best if you have some sort of head-gear – or head-gear substitute – accessible to you. )

Always be the one with the remote control. This is where the seat of power in any household truly lies.

Don’t put out your best song as your 1st single. Ever.

If it does well you’ll be under pressure to follow it up - you’ll feel insecure about living up to the success of that one, the prospect of becoming the new Chesney Hawkes / Babylon Zoo, and relying on weaker songs as its’ successors to find you consistent chart fame & fortune.

If it doesn’t do well, you’ll feel obliged to re-release it. At which point I will track you down and kill you. ( By force-feeding you the more disturbing children’s television programmes...?)

Don’t wear checked shirts unless you’re

a. going line dancing

b. a lumberjack

Carry a pen. Always.

Don’t build a Student Hall of Residence in close proximity to the three-way combination of a pub, an off-licence, and a series of canals.

Christina Ricci films. Rent, watch, buy. Somehow they all seem to be really very good.

Not all CTV videos are worth your investment. She-Ra, Orm and Cheep, and The New Magic Roundabout are best left to happy memories. Though Willo The Wisp, TrapDoor, Bagpuss, Jem ( Truly Outrageous ) and the old Magic Roundabout are still amazing. Oh, and The Flumps video is only really worth it for the synchronised spoon dance. ( No, really. )

It’s best not to try and think too much about the CONTENT of the episodes of the Magic Roundabout. Once, I tuned in to see Dougal fishing off an ice-berg. He caught Ermentrude. Who was dressed up as a mermaid. And he had to break it to her that she was just a fat cow. It was all a bit much to try to deal with, at that hour of the day. Though I did see a very good one recently where all the birds in the garden were undergoing vocal re-training, so as they could sing like something else, such as a tuba. Satire is a good thing, for kids programming.

Last revised: 14/08/01