You Know You’ve Watched Too Much ‘Buffy’ When…
It all makes sense.
You squeal with excitement at
old coffee adverts.
Every new character in other programmes
is automatically suspected of being a demon / 
vampire / robot / witch / corrupt worshipper of The Dark
Forces / praying mantis taking human form.
You start to dream about it.
The legendary / technical terms
for objects ( e.g. the Gem of Amarra, the Sword of Acathla, etc. ) are
immovable from your memory.
You prefer Angelus.
A glance at the lead
characters’ hair is sufficient to tell you what series the action is taking
place in.
You have lengthy conversations
about the reasons a person could possibly have for living on a Hell-Mouth.
Hell-Mouths themselves are not
un-known to you.
You refer to Dr. Evil’s son in
‘Austin Powers’ as ‘Oz, the werewolf’ ( because that’s who he is, and so to
remember any other name would be a pointless activity ).
‘Scream 2’, ‘American Pie’, and
‘Cruel Intentions’ were not watched solely for their plot. (Though
‘Pleasantville’ wasn’t rented JUST because Jonathon is in it.) And you sat
through all of the marginally entertaining new-for-the 90s version of ‘The
House On The Haunted Hill’ deludedly hoping they’d find a way to bring the
camera man from the opening sequence back into the film, whose starring
presence was the only reason you rented it anyway. Grr.
You wear a crucifix although
your religious enthusiasm is somewhat waning.
The scientific precedents for vampirism – that
rabies and porphyrias give many of the same ‘symptoms’, for example – are now
both well known and interesting to you. (This can also mean you’re a weirdo /
Biomed student. Mind yourselves.)
You kept starting at the name
James Marsden, constantly having to be forcefully reminded that the part of
Cyclops in the ‘X-Men’ movie was not to be taken by 
Spike.
A tiny part of you starts to
truly believe that the reason Sarah Michelle Geller’s nose does that weird flat
thing at its tip because your groin – which later had to be digitally removed
from the shots – was pressed up against it during filming. ( N.B. This is only
really true if you fancy her. Some people have other incentives to watch the
programme. Like, ooh, plot. )
You are now inordinately
interested in getting a copy of an early 90s cast production single of ‘Sweet
Transvestite’ from the Rocky Horror Show.
The best methods of dispatch
for other worldly creatures ( stake, decapitation, silver bullet ) are all as
well known to you as the fiendishness of Willow’s tights.
You dance to the theme tune.
Libraries become
disproportionately interesting.
You think Principal’s Sneider’s
appearance in ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ as the Ferengei Quark some sort of fitting
punishment for his being such an obnoxious little turd in Sunnydale.
Like Riley, you also find
yourself needing to know the plurals of words such as Armaggedon and
Apocalypse.
You’ve noticed the edits in the
early BBC2 showings. And hate the snooker / tennis for getting higher priority
there. ( Even ‘Robot Wars’ gets bumped about the schedule less. )
Wondering about why monkey
biscuits get to wear pants does occupy your mind.
You’ve watched all of ‘My
Stepmother Is An Alien’.
‘My Stepmother Is An Alien’ was
found to be really really funny.
Making this kind of web-page
seems like a constructive use of your time…
Further Pictorial Proof…
Last revised: 06/12/01